Is it OK to Argue?

While you may not like to argue with your significant other, it probably happens sometimes. You may know couples who argue often and those who don’t. But there are several reasons why arguing may be good for your relationship. In fact, an online study, “Able Arguers,” among 976 individuals in 2012 found that couples who engage in healthy conflict are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship versus those who ignore difficult conversations.

When most people think of the word "argument," they might think of phrases like "heated exchange," or "fight" (verbal, that is). However, this is not an accurate interpretation of the word. Quite recently, a friend of mine had an argument with his wife about some topic at a small gathering of immediate family and when his mother-in-law cut in to demand that no fighting should take place under her roof, both he and his wife turned to her and responded that they were not fighting at all. They simply disagreed with each other’s perspectives and were arguing to convey their rationale.

If you can use and express your feelings in a healthy way and talk through a problem, you do not need to come to a clear answer or solution in order to come out the other side intact and in harmony. You only need to get the problem clarified and your feelings aired. This is the “meeting of the minds.”

The meeting of the minds happens when you understand your partner’s feelings and why they have them. You don’t have to agree that they’re right; you only need to see your partner’s perspective and also let your partner know that you see. You also need to receive the same understanding in return.

Sometimes it takes many ruptures, over time, to resolve a problem. In the meantime, a meeting of the minds allows you to remain a team and continue to grow and evolve together.

A 2021 study by Sels et al. showed that couples that expressed their thoughts and feelings more had more empathy for each other overall, even during arguments that threatened their relationship. In other words, it is the direct verbal exchange of thoughts and feelings that brings a couple together, not drives them apart.